What can women do to rekindle a relationship
By: The John Ankerberg Show
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|Though the sexual needs for women are far different from men’s, they may be more dangerous. When does an affair begin? How can you guard your mind, heart, and body against sexual and emotional compromise? How do the media, novels, music, fashions, Internet chat rooms, and body and beauty obsessions influence young women?
Copyright: 2007, Number of Programs: 4, Cat. No. CFW
Keywords: Disrespect, Nagging
- Ankerberg: Shannon, I want to start with you today. The fact is that when you read all the books that you guys have written, over and over again you come to the fact that God has wired men and women differently. And these differences are so outstanding when you realize what they are that you then get to the fact of saying how could we ever get together, okay? Why would we want to? And there is a price that needs to be paid. Let’s start by talking about how we are wired, first of all.
- Ethridge: Well, if we don’t understand how we are wired differently it is going to cause a lot of friction and tension in our relationship. For example, I had just been married a few years, and one night I got undressed and climbed into bed and Greg was just immediately like, “So, do you want to have sex?” And I did not understand that because he had seen this visually stimulating image of a woman disrobing and climbing into bed, he was ready. He was a microwave, but I was a crock pot. That wasn’t even a thought in my mind. So when he said, “Do you want to have sex,” I thought, “Did I marry a pervert? Like, we haven’t even talked about our day, we haven’t prayed together, we haven’t interacted, we haven’t emotionally connected yet,” and that was my foreplay to get me ready. And so you know, he thought he married a frigid woman, “She never wants to have sex, the answer to that question is always no whenever I ask her.” We were not speaking each other’s love language, we were not being sensitive to the fact that we were each wired differently.
- And I think the key thing in marriage is that a), we have to understand one another’s unique sexual needs and our own unique sexual needs; and we have to give one another the grace to be human. We have to give one another the grace to understand that because you are different than me, you might not understand what it is that I need. And it is my job and my opportunity to lovingly teach you how it is that I need to be treated. Not point the finger at you about how you don’t know how to treat women and dadada, and just educate you and vise versa. I wanted my husband to teach me how it is that you think and relate to me as a sexual wife for you. And it takes a lot of work but it starts with giving each other the grace to be human.
- Ankerberg: Yeah, on the other side of the fence, Steve, you have got guys that are hot wired for a 72 hour sexual release, and the fact is, here is this woman that wants to talk.
- Arterburn: Well, I just want to say that if you are married to a woman that you’d say is frigid, well, the first thing to do is ask if you are the ice man, if you are the one that is putting the chill here. I mean, if you don’t know that a woman needs to talk and connect, then you have to be, you may be, proof of evolution! That’s all I can say, just to kind of fit into some of your other programs. I mean, only an idiot would not know by now that a woman needs to feel connection and love for her to really enjoy the sexual experience.
- Now, us guys, we are ready to go at the drop of a hat. But this old book that Kevin Leman wrote, “Sex Begins in the Kitchen,” well, you know, it can begin anywhere other than the bedroom. If you want a woman to meet all of your sexual needs you need to treat her like a vessel of value, something more than a gratification tool. And I believe that when you become connected with her and you start to block out the other things of the world – and I was very late in coming to this awareness. Fred probably found it much, much sooner with Brenda – but there becomes a goal of sex that is a connection goal more than a gratification goal. And it is kind of hard to describe, but gratification almost becomes a secondary benefit to feeling totally connected to someone here in the universe who loves you and accepts you and just cannot get close enough to you.
- And that is what we want to see people do. And you can’t do that if it is always instant sex. Now by the same token, a woman must understand who a man is and be open to instant sex or the quick experience every now and then for variety and things like that to show that she appreciates who he is. But if we can start to, as I say, if we can start to get a masters degree in each other’s wounds and connect with the heart places, and then get a PhD in each other’s wounds and understand the needs that are there, we have a chance for connection and intimacy that very few people will ever achieve, but anybody can.