How do you get from despair to hope in your sexual relationships
By: The John Ankerberg Show
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|Though the sexual needs for women are far different from men’s, they may be more dangerous. When does an affair begin? How can you guard your mind, heart, and body against sexual and emotional compromise? How do the media, novels, music, fashions, Internet chat rooms, and body and beauty obsessions influence young women?
Copyright: 2007, Number of Programs: 4, Cat. No. CFW
Keywords: Compromise, Commitment, Forgiveness
- Ankerberg: One of the things in terms of the differences, is that men don’t want to talk as much as women. But women need the talk for that emotional relationship. So Steve, how can we do this? What is the problem here?
- Arterburn: Well, we are wired differently. You know, women do have a larger word count need than men do, just to begin with. And I know many times my wife will say to me, “I just need to get my word count in before we do anything else.” And so that is just a nice way to invite me to listen and shut up.
- But it is true; we are wired differently. Us men, we many times have a lot of opportunities to share and talk about things all day long, so by the end of the day we many times have gone through our word count, and so it more difficult for us to do it. Also, if a man feels like he is being evaluated and judged, being criticized or he is walking on eggshells, he doesn’t want to talk because he is afraid that he is going to trip a wire that is going to cause some kind of tirade or criticism. So he kind of holds back.
- A woman needs to make a place safe for a man to share. And she also needs to ask him open ended questions and find things of interest for him to get him in the habit of talking. A lot of times women complain about us men, but they, a woman, has shut the man down. So if that is the dynamic in your marriage, as a woman you need to ask yourself, “Have I shut him down? Am I open? Am I a safe person for him to talk to?” And many times when you become safe, he is more than happy to share with you feelings and connect with you at the level you want to be connected with.
- Ankerberg: [Fred], what did you put in your mind that spurred you to actually talk?
- Stoeker: Well, you know one of the things that you need to do is not only accept that there are these differences, but you need to make active room for these differences in your life. I know that one of the things that I did early on was I noticed that I had the same situation that Greg did. I would go to bed and once I hit the bed, I am either looking for sex or looking for sleep.
- And one of the things I decided I had to do was I had to make a rule for myself that when I went into the bedroom at night I could not lay in the bed first. I had to first sit in what we call our talking chair. And what I would do is I would sit there, because I don’t fall asleep right away there. And so Brenda and I talk. I sit in this kind of a lounge chair thing and she lays on the bed, and we talk. It could be 10 minutes, it could be an hour. I mean we just start talking. And you know it is not my natural thing, I have to admit. My more natural thing is like any other guy, she is getting ready for bed and she is bending over brushing her teeth and she looks pretty good from behind and, you know, I am thinking about sex. But one of the things that I found is that, look, if I have this difference in me that I am more interested in sex than in hugging and talking, I had better find a way to make sure that hugging and talking is going to happen for her sake.
- Now, the next thing I would say is okay, do you think that makes it easier for her then, to offer her body to me when I have made room for her and I am connecting with her emotionally? Oh, you bet! And on the nights when she is too tired and she doesn’t really want to get into it all that much, she can just by focusing on the side of sex that she likes, the touching, the holding and all that, she can sure make things fun for me while she is kind of just staying in the level where she wants to stay. But she wants to make sure that I am getting connection sexually in the same way that I am providing connection emotionally. And as we are making room for both of those things it makes it easier for both of us to give.