How do men’s and women’s emotional needs differ
By: The John Ankerberg Show
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|Though the sexual needs for women are far different from men’s, they may be more dangerous. When does an affair begin? How can you guard your mind, heart, and body against sexual and emotional compromise? How do the media, novels, music, fashions, Internet chat rooms, and body and beauty obsessions influence young women?
Copyright: 2007, Number of Programs: 4, Cat. No. CFW
Keywords: Talking, Emotional connections
- Ankerberg: Alright, all of you, I think, have written from the opposite point of view. You have got chill-busters from the women’s point of view and from the man’s point of view. Shannon, start us off. What will bust the chill on relationship as far as what can women do?
- Ethridge: Women need to understand it is often what we do to him that causes him to clam up and not want to emotionally connect with us. And I think the most important thing is when we start disrespecting him. When you start pointing the finger and nagging him and pointing out all of his flaws and just criticizing him and trying to tell him what you think that you deserve in a husband, that just causes him to shrink back. It is going to be just like a turtle that just withdraws into his shell and no amount of coaxing is going to get him out of that shell until you learn to respect him and make him feel like a real man just in who he is.
- Arterburn: We have done the research and documented that no man has ever changed anything based on nagging. So you know, we did the research, there is no use to try it. Don’t try it anymore, that doesn’t work. What a woman has to do is find something respectable about the man and start there. And you know, even if it is that he gets up in the morning and walks out the door and goes to work, start there and say, “Honey, I respect you so much for walking out the door every day.”
- Now, let’s just say he is a jerk and he can only get to work half that, “Honey, I respect you for going to work half the time.” Find the good in this man. What we end up doing is we split off from each other and he makes her all bad, and she makes him all bad, when in reality we are human. We have got good and bad. And we have got to get away from this all-bad label of each other and come and say, “Look, we have got good we have got bad. I have got to focus on the things of values in this person and build those up rather than tear down and chip away.” In reality we have done the research, and when you free a person up to be who they are, you have a greater chance of them changing and evolving into what you really wanted all along than you do by focusing on the negative things that you don’t like about that person.
- Ankerberg: Let’s talk about again, Shannon, the fact of the dangerous thing for women is this whole thing of comparison. Why are they so susceptible to this?
- Ethridge: I think that it goes back to that sense of entitlement. We expect things to be perfect and we expect a guy to treat us perfectly. And no matter what our husbands do it never lives up to our expectation. And one of my biggest expectations in marriage is that my husband would meet all of my emotional needs and that he would just want to talk with me and interact with me all the time; he would be my best friend. And I would notice that when we would go to bed at night, I would just have all of these expectations that he would just tell me all about his day, and ask all about mine, and what are you going to do tomorrow, and blah, blah, blah. And he would always fall asleep or want sex.
- And I would just feel so neglected by that every single night, until I read about a theory in one of my counseling books called the squirrel and the nut theory. And that is that if you want to give a squirrel a nut, the worst thing you can do is to chase it around the yard and grab it by its scrawny neck and try to shove that nut down its chubby cheeks. It is never going to work. The best way to give a squirrel a nut is to put it in your open palm and lay down under a tree and go to sleep. And eventually that squirrel will get curious enough and come and take that nut.
- So I would go to bed at night with no expectation whatsoever that Greg would say anything to me. I would just be like, you know, he has worked all day today; he is exhausted, I am just going to let him go to sleep. And I am going to just kiss him on his forehead and tell him goodnight. And after a few nights of this Greg said, “Well, are you mad at me about something?” And I said, “No, why?” And he said, “Well, I noticed you haven’t been talkative very much.” And I said, “Well, I know how hard you work and I know that at the end of a long day you have got to be zonked. And I just want you to get plenty of rest, because I just really appreciate what a great provider you are.” And he was like, “Well, tell me about your day.”
- It worked! He started fishing for me to converse with him. And then we decided, well, let’s pray about these things that we have talked about that are a concern. And we prayed together. And by the time we said amen, I mean, I just couldn’t wait to give my body to this man. There was just that incredible connection. But it started with backing off, not pursuing him.